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What if...

It is refrained that our lives are based on decisions. But what do decisions revolve around? What-if s.

Recently, I have been very much fascinated by this phrase. I discover that we are driven by these "what-if" interrogations.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought, "What if I never changed?" . That can be satisfying or crazy or miserable or frustrating. That's why the phrase fascinates me. It is Godly. It can take its own forms. To different people, to same person at different situtations, or to the same person with same situation but different thoughts.

Its not in single night that we got all doubts of the world and haunted by them.
Kids have the most mind-blowing and astonishing what-ifs. Most of them lose the sense of reason as they age and try to align with the society they are in. And those who don't - become writers, entrepreneurs, inventors, explorers, comedians or just dumb and foolish people, as you call them.

As we grow, our what-if's never fade away.They take up different forms. Polymorphism.

What if he leaves me all of a sudden?
What if it never worked out?
What if I die?
What if she rejects?
What if I got fired?
What if my life never changed?
What if my application got rejected?
What if I lost all my wealth if I do it?
What is my loved ones left me? Forever?
What if I am never able to live my passion again? Won't I ever dance/write/skate/play my sport again?
What if I lost my prupose of living? (Not that I have one already. Duh.)

It becomes frightening. It puts yourself into doubt. They may sometimes leave you sleepless. No matter how much time you have, you wouldn't be able to stabilise your stand on the question. That's why it think its Powerful. So damn powerful.

It is also the myriad of hope. Of light. Of all the best things about to happen.

What if it works out?
What if she like me too?
What if I quit my job and find another?
What if we have a baby?
What if I go to an island this vacation?
What if I rewatch the movie again?
What if I start all over?
What if it changes for the better?

You see? It drives us.Being cautious should not be confused with being a coward. It has been with us all along.

These ideas follow the graph of energy vs reaction co-ordinate. It starts of at a higher level when you are born. Grows higher and higher.Then starts declining and ends with a low, lower than you began with.That's because you get things cleared and thoughts aligned as you grow older. Grey hair and bad health teaches you your worthiest posessions.

So, what do we conclude about this crazy little soul inside us submerged with what-ifs?

Firstly, they are inevitable. Secondly, decide soon what are the things in your life that you can never live without. (Don't forget to mention 'yourself')Sooner you decide the better. And it is subjected to change.

Whenever such a dillemma arises, just one question: Will doing it cost my valuable posessions? If no, it is worth a try. No more listing out pros and cons and weighing them. Just one question.

Life is too short not to take risks. Try anything possible if it doesn't cost your happiness.

After all, we are driven by questions within ourselves.

#SpreadLove #SpreadSmiles

(Inspired from: One Tree Hill series:




Each one measure's his/her life using different measurements.

Some by money they earned.

Some by the awards they won.

Some by their popularity.

Some by what others think about them.

Some by the friends they made.

Some by the respect they have gained.

Some by the love they received.

And never ever try to compare your scales of measurement with someone else's.

Shared: Just this - hugs!

Originally posted by spikesgirl58 at Just this - hugs!

Just wanted this to be on my page!!

Happy Valentine's day!!

Effects of Letting Go....

This is one sensitive writing, that I am scared to write about- to begin with. Yet, I have gathered all my courage to do it. ( I am in the process of seriously discovering myself, that I once were... Its more difficult than I thought). As someone who is living the aftermath of letting go of myself( which means everything), I deserve to write it.

Letting Go.... I am talking about everything you have ever let go of, about to let go, and the things you are letting go... I am talking about the good and bad, new and old, favourite and addictive, everything..... It maybe deleting a 90's song from your playlist or ending a 2 year old relationship.

Firstly, the change is what affects us. It kills us. It/They have always been a part of us. Irrespective of the time, it had blend into your soul. You have had an undescriptive love for it. The sudden change is worse; it is unexpectedly thundering. I do feel better sometimes to think that I knew that I was about to depart from it. I had enough time to absorb the truth. But, it is more painful that I had missed the chance to change things I was capable of.

That brings us to the next immediate effect: Weak. Losing strength. Almost all of us would have realised that body and mind are interwoven, only after experiencing departure. Along with the love/person/thing/relationship, you lose your strength- both physical and mental. When a part of you disappears, you feel empty- literally. You sometimes wish you'd never wake up. There is something heavy inside you- your body. Breathing becomes difficult. You can hardly feel or hear your heartbeat. You can't feel your legs. It's like you have been put into someone else's body. And the worst- you are unable to speak, let alone cry or shout. The first remedy itself becomes inaccessible. You get choked- by some unknown force. And after that first tear falls, a chain reaction happens.

With nobody to wipe it. And you don't know what is worse- not having anyone to lean shoulders or forcibly making someone see you being sober and worried.

Now.. You search things... You seek some distraction. Anything that can relieve you from your thoughts. Something else than staring at ceilings and photos. You feel a deceptive strength. You search for people, places, exercises, dance, art, drugs, blogs, or another form of the thing you lost. You fail many times. As Lang Leav quotes- Forgetting is just another form of remembering. Everything feels stupid and meaningless.

You are desperate.
You are tired.

You get used to pain.. Get used to missing the love. Get used to having ugly eyes and a face you hate. You don't want to forget it now. You learn to live with it. Though, it doesn't make you any better.


You come out, reluctantly. See the world, differently. And now you discover what you sought. You discover where it went wrong, after all. For some reason, you become a different person. The whole experience, although not finished, had changed you. For the worse or better- nobody knows. This change is the most significant part. You either become kinder, generous, and loving or silent, on-point, and hard-working or funny, social, expressive and courageous or angry, tired, and averted. I won't say which is right and wrong. These are just ways or changes that cannot be found with combinatorics.

You finally learn. Learn- not to forget, but to LET GO.. You finally learn to live with or without it. You find your preferences. You find purpose. A sense of belonging- to yourself, and not to the universe. You bring up facts that you dislike about what you have let go or the pros of letting it go- to feel better. And this time, you do feel better. The emptiness doesn't get filled. It stays with you as a part of you..

And that's how you let go......
#SpreadLove #PositiveVibes

(Back Story: Although most of them can be found in my other entries, I'd share a glimpse to newbies. I aspire to be a great writer- which I once was. I am great reader- I read all kinds of stuff and appreciate them all if possible. Meeting new people, discovering places(homes), travelling(my only selfish goal, writing to make people smile, and above all bringing a change to people around me. Sounds sweet? Well, not to my family. They want me to be 'realistic', 'grow up' and 'make money'. That is, do the crap everyone else is doing. I was forcibly put into a new atmosphere to change my thoughts. Didn't work out well. New place, new people, restrictions, new lifestyle. Till then, all I saw was love. Everywhere. I belived(still do) world was an awesome place. It has been two years. I have been through all the phases.

I was not only seperated from the atmosphere, but also myself. I was dead- the writer, explorer, speaker, lover, smiles, laughter in me was dead. I am now tired of everything- at this time which serves the purpose of my 2 years of change. I have discovered my faults. I am trying my best for a change.. A reverse gear..

I am finishing schooling. I am not worried this time. I know I will be moving to a place I have never seen before. I don't even know where.

I would be letting go of something again.. This time in a different way.....As a different person.... With different thoughts...)

November ends! But the real HAUNT begins!

I am really sorry that I couldn't post an entry for almost two weeks. I was always in thought of it- right from the time my braces started tearing my lips off! Forget it, I am used to it now.

Meanwhile a lot of bad things messed up school life. I couldn't think of one thing that was nice in the past two weeks. Yeah, a couple of my friends called, but that didn't even get close to compensate the bad. Albeit, they were moaning about their life too, and we concluded that the whole world is sad. ( Geez, what a beast have I become? I have went from thinking the whole world as angels in heaven to "believing" that everyone as selfish bastards)

I don't wanna mention any of those rusty things happened at school. Just no more thoughts of them.

But there's one thing haunting me lately. I swear it will haunt me for the rest of my life too. So, till last week my plan was pass school, learn a degree that will earn me a job and meanwhil be a master of all arts, learn some manners ;), pursue my passion, travel,get friends and write. Plus, I'd read my daily lessons and maintain my college grades. It is too much, but I believed it would be easily executed.

Life isn't a bed of roses they say. Even before I think of executing it, reality slaps me harder, AGAIN.

 I was already frightened of getting into a decent college with my tiny subject knowledge( compared to rest of the nation) and with the economic status(~0) of my family. It is close to impossible for them to afford INR 3,00,000 every year( ~ U$D 5000) . Thus I had always trusted on education loans and was ready to repay them all by myself after getting a job.( Coz, I was floating in the clouds of fame and money back then).

After 2 years, ,two days ago, I decided to check out about loan limits, securities, interests, documents, and stuff. My heart started fealing weak already.
And I took a calculator, summed up my monthly salary (expected), and subtracted loan paybacks, housing rents, necessary expenditure, and family return( it is a thing in India). I finally have 3000 INR for myself. ( I couldn't even travel beyond my state with that. Let alone getting my dream bike)

Guess what?

And from then, I have the smile stuck to my face that reads- Wow, well, Thats some great danger awaiting. And time to stop dreaming and start to live the adult life. The life you hitherto thought was stupid and meaningless.

And November ends with that. The exam registrations for college starts tomorrow. And the next 3 months of school are packed with mock tests for the bigger devil waiting.

Nothing seems right for now. So, I guess today will ( must) end with some tumblr accompanied with 9gag.

The Effed up girl who begins adulthood
As mentioned in my last entry, I cam home after getting my braces. Remebered my plans of dialing up to an old friend. Not exactly old, I hate saying that. It's been a month since we spoke. He is like the only connection I have to speak about school,after I left my school.

He took up in the first dial. We spoke about almost everything. I had to cut it twice- once to let grandma speak to someone else, next to tell my mom about some payment. He had to cut it four times- once to take bath, next his phone got wet and the speaker ruined, then the phone was running out of balance, and once beacuse his mom called him.

Inspite of fragmentation, we had a nice long talk!! It has been a long time since I've spoke like this!! It feels soooo gooooddd!!!

So, we talked about schools, coachings, tests, blah blah. And then movies, weekend plans, hangouts, and plans for college.

And then it got totally funky and crazy. We shared some funny moments. And then made a guess about who my crush was. (I have like 1000s of crushes. So whoever he said would be appropriate. But I had meant someone specific). BOOM! He got it right! I thought none was able to get it right. (There were a lot hotter guys in the option, though)... (The revelaed out crush... I got a crush on him only after the last day I met him. How stupid... We were together for 7 years. And it was thefirst and  last day I spoke to him. And for the next one year I had crazy unrealistic imaginations. :P ..I haven't met him yet)
And I asked about everyone else at school too. I was supposed to ask it earlier. My bad, forgot to.!

He had to do his homework. And I was already about to get grounded for being sooo long on phone.!! And we held up.


But blimey, the talk was so fantastic. I forgot about everything around. The drug I meant: Conversation with a friend.
I suggest you all to try it!!

Phew! I got my braces!

After a long time I actually had plans for my weekend!!
Two weeks ago, I went to the dentist to discusss about my suddenly-uplifting-incisor which made my smiles look like I was holding a pearl in my mouth all the time.
He suggested me to wear braces. Worst thing: My appearance will change and its costly. So I got my X-rays and went to him today.

Just had the usual fear-of-dentist. Brushed my teeth twice this morning. :P .. And after a 2 hour wait, entered the room. The young dentists spent 20 minutes explaining the procedure.

Here comes the plot twist.
Dr.: It will be very painful to clip up the entire upper jaw at once. Very painful.
Me(in my mind): Don't underestimate me. I have got X-men powers. I AM IMMORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!! *ba dum tss*
Dr.: If it were a boy, I'd have done it. But keeping in my that she is a girl, I'll just clip up the incisors and canines for now. The rest will be done next month. I repeat, if it were a boy, I'd have clipped all of them at once.
Me(in my mind): *massive heart attack* Did he just assume my gender??? :O Bro, just clip'em. What did you think I was? A complaining 16 year barbie-doll loving pink lasss??? Never in a million years.
Me: Ohh... I will put all of them now.But considering that, it'd be better if the 6 teeth had a month of time to set themselves, I prefer to wait for a month for the complete brace. Again, I ain't afraid of pain.

So, he put up thie mouth opener inside me. Dad mocked at me for having that elliptical mouth. Lol, I wasn't even able to smile with that crap on. And then Dr. said nothing is gonna be painful for now. I slept for 10 min. :P .. And then when I felt a sudden pull, gosh..I woke up. He was done finishing them.

Mom, you never told me about it!!!!!!!!!!
Bro, can you get these braces off me? Right, now??

Too late. Its been 8 hours and I still feel like someone is staying in my mouth. I don't care about my damn-face.  Like no one saw it before, none is gonna see here after.IDGAF. I can still smile. But trouble is I can't effing close my lips after smiling. The thing is poking me from the inside.!!

No plans for the next week. Got school tomorrow. Rest, in the next entry!!

Love, Subhi.


Sleepless Night!

I am so tired this week and I still have a lot of work pending. Did my exam quite well. No thoughts about qualifying or not. Because I had a nice time at Aunt's house last weekend.

Slept all my way through Physics class. What the heck is wave optics? Tell me a conclusion, dude. You give me 40 pages making me trust light is a ray and it does same damn. And the very next chapter you tell me it travels up and down and interferes..Will these scientists ever come to a conclusion???? :I

Tuesday night was the most devastating. For the whole world, let alone India. It was 7.55 pm. I was searching the URL for PM's live speech. Since I was much concerned about the US presidential elections( it was Tuesday morning then), I simultaneously kept tracking it. I supposed the night's speech would be about wishing luck to Trump&Hilary.
Screw my thoughts!!!
My dad came home screaming at me to tune into news channel. Currency notes were no more valuable!
My immediate reaction:
1) Awe. The very first thought: How fantastic!!! A layman's fantasy can turn into mere paper in just a minute. See dad, I've always told you. Money never matters. ( My dad still had the poker face on him).
2) Its a nice move by the government.
3) Man, the new 500 note is sooo cool. It looks like U$D! Yay! But why is the 2000 Pink? Eww...
4) Eff! This is such a disaster. How will people fill fuel? Did you think about hospitals? What about tomorrow's weddings? The shops are all gonna be closed.
5) Hmm... There's an extension for hospitals and petrol banks. Good.
6) Why now? The economy isn't stable this week, thanks to US. And then this? It should have been later.
Had so many thoughts and kept updated and analysed. Conclusion: It will cause a havock for a month. Things will be back to normal soon. Yeah. I meant, corruption too.

Slept too well. Woke up to see who the POTUS would be. Luckily, they weere still counting but Trump was leading. My dad bet for Trump's triumph and I was like "no way... Are you kidding? THe internet's against him. Its sure gonna be Hilary..Time for a lady. "

A rough school morning. All my projects are due this Saturday. And I haven't started yet.

Came back to see the same 500-1000-2000 news. Heard to expert analysis on the issue. And also astonishing facts.


"PM Modi congragulates Trump"

Seriously???? Howww???? Is this American Brexit? Ok.. I know the whole internet is going to be on this. I have to cool down. IDGAF.

To myself:
" I shouldn't be on tumblr, no 9gagging today. No More research on economy, okay?
And dont even dream about writing an entryabout the same effing thing.
You have to do some BOD, COD, collect water samples, and get an idea about vant Hoff's factor, and learn Wave Optics. Do that."

I have the same view over the results as everyone. So nothing about that. It's okay until there's no economic crisis or a war. POTUS won't affect me( Self-consolations).

Looking forward to complete this week along with my projects completed. Its gonna be some intensive study for the next 3 months. Gotta come up with some goddamn plan which I am supposed to make 2 years ago!! If there's still time I'm planning to write an  entry about some personalities,


Summary of 5-Nov

I am about to appear for an important exam tomorrow. Grandma sugested to be home and prepare for it. Thanks to her, I skipped school today.

Wokeup at 11.am. I was determined to learn. But Damn. In a room with TV, PC, and smartphone coupled with free wi-fi,who cares about books??
Had breakfast all alone. And lunch the same way. Swiped through some pages and 9gaged sometime. And then, this journal. Its 7.45 pm now. Haven't stuck to my plan.

Please Lord,help me with Organic Chemistry, Will you??

Awaiting a really good day tomorrow..Travelling to my Aunts' in Bus! Yeah!!!! My favourite transport and favourite place with favourite food (hopefully, she cooks chicken). And then gotta do the exam.. That's not a problem though.. Thing is that schoolmates will show up too..Hopefully,they don't eff up my day.( The girls who say "Girl, you are gonna nail it. Don't lie that you didn't prepare." and the boys who think the same and the guy (who crushes on me) who'd admire my dress...uff.....They are sooooooo irritaing).

Tomorrow is gonna be busy. And so will be the rest of the week.! And I will play it as cool as possible!!!