Letting Go.... I am talking about everything you have ever let go of, about to let go, and the things you are letting go... I am talking about the good and bad, new and old, favourite and addictive, everything..... It maybe deleting a 90's song from your playlist or ending a 2 year old relationship.
Firstly, the change is what affects us. It kills us. It/They have always been a part of us. Irrespective of the time, it had blend into your soul. You have had an undescriptive love for it. The sudden change is worse; it is unexpectedly thundering. I do feel better sometimes to think that I knew that I was about to depart from it. I had enough time to absorb the truth. But, it is more painful that I had missed the chance to change things I was capable of.
That brings us to the next immediate effect: Weak. Losing strength. Almost all of us would have realised that body and mind are interwoven, only after experiencing departure. Along with the love/person/thing/relationship, you lose your strength- both physical and mental. When a part of you disappears, you feel empty- literally. You sometimes wish you'd never wake up. There is something heavy inside you- your body. Breathing becomes difficult. You can hardly feel or hear your heartbeat. You can't feel your legs. It's like you have been put into someone else's body. And the worst- you are unable to speak, let alone cry or shout. The first remedy itself becomes inaccessible. You get choked- by some unknown force. And after that first tear falls, a chain reaction happens.
With nobody to wipe it. And you don't know what is worse- not having anyone to lean shoulders or forcibly making someone see you being sober and worried.
Now.. You search things... You seek some distraction. Anything that can relieve you from your thoughts. Something else than staring at ceilings and photos. You feel a deceptive strength. You search for people, places, exercises, dance, art, drugs, blogs, or another form of the thing you lost. You fail many times. As Lang Leav quotes- Forgetting is just another form of remembering. Everything feels stupid and meaningless.
You are desperate.
You are tired.
You get used to pain.. Get used to missing the love. Get used to having ugly eyes and a face you hate. You don't want to forget it now. You learn to live with it. Though, it doesn't make you any better.
You come out, reluctantly. See the world, differently. And now you discover what you sought. You discover where it went wrong, after all. For some reason, you become a different person. The whole experience, although not finished, had changed you. For the worse or better- nobody knows. This change is the most significant part. You either become kinder, generous, and loving or silent, on-point, and hard-working or funny, social, expressive and courageous or angry, tired, and averted. I won't say which is right and wrong. These are just ways or changes that cannot be found with combinatorics.
You finally learn. Learn- not to forget, but to LET GO.. You finally learn to live with or without it. You find your preferences. You find purpose. A sense of belonging- to yourself, and not to the universe. You bring up facts that you dislike about what you have let go or the pros of letting it go- to feel better. And this time, you do feel better. The emptiness doesn't get filled. It stays with you as a part of you..
And that's how you let go......
(Back Story: Although most of them can be found in my other entries, I'd share a glimpse to newbies. I aspire to be a great writer- which I once was. I am great reader- I read all kinds of stuff and appreciate them all if possible. Meeting new people, discovering places(homes), travelling(my only selfish goal, writing to make people smile, and above all bringing a change to people around me. Sounds sweet? Well, not to my family. They want me to be 'realistic', 'grow up' and 'make money'. That is, do the crap everyone else is doing. I was forcibly put into a new atmosphere to change my thoughts. Didn't work out well. New place, new people, restrictions, new lifestyle. Till then, all I saw was love. Everywhere. I belived(still do) world was an awesome place. It has been two years. I have been through all the phases.
I was not only seperated from the atmosphere, but also myself. I was dead- the writer, explorer, speaker, lover, smiles, laughter in me was dead. I am now tired of everything- at this time which serves the purpose of my 2 years of change. I have discovered my faults. I am trying my best for a change.. A reverse gear..
I am finishing schooling. I am not worried this time. I know I will be moving to a place I have never seen before. I don't even know where.
I would be letting go of something again.. This time in a different way.....As a different person.... With different thoughts...)